The Seal of Dissaproval

"Bitch, do I look like your type?" - KW



Why is it every time I tune in to the annual Victoria's Secret Fashion Show I have to see the astonishingly ugly Seal singing and making out with the unbelievably gorgeous goddess Heidi Klum???

Call me a hater, but I don't get it. Yea, he has a good voice and everything, but the face?? The teeth?? That gap!!??

And look at her! She is drop. Dead. Gorgeous.

Every single year all girls have the "Aww.. there goes the sweet Seal singing to his beautiful Heidi.. isn't that sweet? :) :) " moment while all the guys have the "What the fuck? How did that guy end up with that girl.. FUCK!" moment.

All this does is relay the FALSE notion that any of us (regular guys) stand a chance with any of them (models). Yes, I understand Seal is a world-renowned singer, but that stock drops through the floor when anyone looks at his face. Even more, that stock is nullified when anyone looks at her face.

Is her stock dropping now because of him? No. HELL NO. Why? Because she is THAT beautiful. She is untouchable. Argh.

Radio Personalities I Hate

"If hip hop should die before I wake , I'll put an extended clip inside of my AK/
Roll to every station, murder the DJ, Roll to every station, murder the DJ..." - NJ

Let me get this out there right now, I absolutely loathe Funkmaster Flex, Ed Lover and Wendy Williams.

Yes, I hate all three of them. A lot. I think they are so unbelievingly annoying in every single thing they do or word they say.

I hate how Funkmaster Flex likes to laugh for maybe 47 seconds straight so that I can hear his crackly shitty laugh and after-laugh. I hate how he decides to start a song then restart it then restart it then restart it then restart it then restart it then restart it then restart it then restart it then restart it then restart it then restart it. The restart it one more time.

I hate how Ed Lover thinks he is hilarious. And in the morning he makes the point of having this little shtick with the other hosts that I don't even want to repeat because it is not funny and not worth my time.

I hate how Wendy Williams just keeps talking and talking and talking and thinking that she is god 's gift to talking. She keeps critiquing and critiquing but I'm pretty sure she is a piece of shit herself. Like Dr. Phil. Don't get me started on him.

Argggghhhhh!

I Keep Keeping My Hazards On

"Ball like the Knicks and the Mavericks, switchin' the fabrics
Pull up wit some big shit, lieutenant shit, hittin' the hazards..." - NW


I think I have a major problem. I turn my hazards on when needed. Then, I forget to turn them off.

Did it today. Went to McDonalds to pick up some lunch for a student. Parked at a hydrant. Hit the hazards. After getting the food drove back to school and parked. Had to have a teacher come and tell me 3 hours later that my hazards were still on. Embarrassing.

Especially since everyone passing by my car is thinking, "What an idiot, how could he forget?" I know I think that if I ever see it. Come to think of it, I don't think I ever see it. This makes me feel like more of an idiot.

The Mist

"Mackin phone rings, Stephen King trauma down at Danzine
My mood swings, suplexed off the rope, magazine..." - DC



I just got back from watching Stephen King's "The Mist" and honestly, I really don't know what to think. It is rare when a movie leaves me like this. Usually, I'm pretty satisfied. I like the whole movie-going experience, so even if a movie sucks, I still am satisfied. I've only walked out of one movie ever and that was Sister Act 2 and only because Street Fighter was calling my name outside the theater.

Anyway, back to The Mist. I don't know, it had all the makings of something I would really love that most others would not. There were some really great parts, some drawn out parts. The ending is really fucking with me though.

*Sigh* Yes, I just electronically sighed. Hence the stars around the word "sigh." Anyway, if you see it, let me know what you think.

American Gangster, Revisited

"The gangster is not defined by how many rocks are in your watch, but more, how many rocks you move while on your watch..."



After having Jay-Z's "American Gangster" on constant repeat in my car for the past 2 weeks, I have developed my share of favorite phrases/lyrics/verses. Here they are in no particular order:

"Fast forward, freeze frame on my pistol, fistful of dollars
Ignorance is so blissful..." - Pray

"But your use-to's has-beens
Ragging bad 'bout all the new dudes
Talking tough on the Youtube
Bout what you use to do
But that's old school to the new crew
They doin' numbers like Sudoku..." - Fallin'

"I missed the part when it stopped bein 'bout Imus
What do my lyrics got to do with this shit!
"Scarface" the movie did more than Scarface the rapper to me
So that ain't to blame for all the shit that's happened to me
Are you sayin what I'm spittin
Is worse than these celebrataunts showin they kittin, you kiddin!
Let's stop the bullshittin
'Til we all without sin, let's quit the pulpittin..." - Ignorant Shit

"You're now in a game where only time can tell
Survive the droughts, I wish you well - hold up
Survive the droughts? I wish you well?
How sick am I? I wish you health
I wish you wheels, I wish you wealth
I wish you insight so you could see for yourself...' - American Dreamin

"This is not for commercial usage
Please don't categorize this as music
Please don't compare me to other rappers
Compare me to trappers, I'm more Frank Lucas than Ludacris
And Luda's my dude, I ain't trying to diss
Like Frank Lucas is cool, but I ain't trying to snitch..." - No Hook

"And if Al Sharpton is speakin for me
Somebody, give him the word and tell him I don't approve
Tell him I remove the curses
If you tell me our schools gon' be perfect
When Jena Six don't exist
Tell him that's when I'll stop sayin bitch, BEEEITCH~!..." - Say Hello

"They say its celestial, its all in the stars
Like Tony LaRussa on how you play your Cards..." - American Dreamin

The 'Quil Diet

"Face full of fear, conquerin your ice grill,
Tragedies, put him to sleep like Nyquil..." - MD


It's almost like the right of passage into the cold season. As the days get shorter, the nights get longer, and, of course, Dmitry gets sicker. It always happens around the end of Octobor, beginning of November and it only adds to the darkness. Thankfully, there is a remedy; none other than...

The DayQuil/NyQuil Diet.

Someone wise once said: "A treated cold will last a week. Left untreated, it will last seven days." Maybe so. But what a wonderful treatment it is! It just covers up your symptoms, so your body can pretend like all is right. But it is not. Inside you are groggy, pissed off, and in a general malaise. Oh yea, and it doesn't help if you have to yell at middle school kids all day long.

Next time you feel it creep up on you, try the 'Quil Diet. You won't 'queel a thing!

Stage Fright

"I need to take a piss but I'm still scared to get up,
Please lord protect those up in this air with us..." - WM


I believe the first time was at a Mets game back in early high school. I was waiting in line and I really had to go. So many people around me. I got to the front, unleashed my beast and then...

Nothing.

I focused some more, repositioned my mission, and then...

Nothing.

Little did I know that I was experiencing what is known in male circles as Stage Fright. I ended up fake finishing up, and going to a stall to do my duty as the little girl that I was.

Stage Fright sucks. It occurs at highly populated urinal locations all across the country. It is all mental. I feel that people are waiting for me to finish, and I just can't do it. Instant constipation. Instant embarrassment.

The worst part is that you really have to go and you can't. But I a lways feel that I have to fake like I did go. And then awkwardly make my way into a stall as if I forgot to do something. What the fuck could I forget to do??? Finish urinating?? God it's awful.

Stage Fright affects many pee-ople. Hopefully it doesn't affect you.

American Gangster

"This is the ignorant shit you like..." - SC


I downloaded Jay-Z's tenth studio album yesterday, "American Gangster," which is set to come out next Tuesday. I've got two words for you...

Instant. Classic.

I can pretty much say I've listened through it all already. God DAMN it's good. Like, finally Jay! Enough of the Kingdom Come bullshit. This. Is. The. Shit.

It's got a Nas collabo (very good). A Weezy collabo (even better). But most importantly, it's got substance, story substance. I want to petition Ridley Scott to make some more movies that can inspire Jay to (not) write this shit.

Some songs to check out if not ready for the full album yet (other than the two singles out already and the two collabos mentioned earlier):

Pray - Wow. The beat is so raw and I have almost never heard Jay like this. It is awesome.

Ignorant Shit ft. Beanie Siegel - I am SO happy this track is on the album. It's actually old. I've been listening to it (or at least the first 2 Jay verses) since about '03 or '04. It was just never officially released, but it is sick. ("First thing Ima so is free Siegel..." it was recorded when he was in jail haha). And the last two verses from Beans and Jay are surprisingly conscious.

Party Life - Beat is laid back, but upbeat... a sick sample. Second verse: is he talking about B or H? (Beyonce or Heroin)? You be the judge.

Basically, this album is like Blueprint, but a ton more raw. The samples are all 70s shit, catchy, laid back, well produced, simple. The lyrics are full of Jay metaphors, interesting lines and verses you'll be quoting.

The funny thing is this semi-review is after only one listen through. And we all know albums/songs only get better as you listen to them.

Darkness

"It's getting crazy after dark..." - TS


It's that time of year again. (Sigh)

Time for me to wake up when it is dark outside and come home when it is dark outside. The start of winter. I don't really like it be honest with you. I think I have SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder).

Tangent: What a great name SAD is. More of a great acronym. When you have SAD, you get sad. Who came up with this stuff?

Or maybe it was just because last year during winter was when shit really hit the fan in terms of work. I don't know. I guess we will find out.

Justin

"Now drop that shit right..." - JT


Is it possible for a live performance of a song to actually make the song better in ones eyes?

Yes.

When FutureSexLoveSounds came out (illegally), I kind of maybe liked "My Love," but wasn't crazy about it. Not like right now. Everything changed with this performance:




It really is amazing. Now I have not watched the whole concert, but judging from this performance as well as from word-of-mouth regarding the aforementioned concert, Justin Timberlake has seemed to catapult his musical career even further into the "This guy is fucking amazing" zone. I applaud him.

Absolut

"True Absolut Vodka, straight shots
for the has-beens and have-nots, dolla dolla..." - CS


Remember Absolut ads? That was a great time. About in '93, '94, '95 when people were collecting them. Probably now too, but back then was better. You'd see them in random magazines and get really happy if it was a rare one.

I even had a binder. I wasn't the best collector, but I had a good run. I think I gave it away to someone a couple of years ago.

Messed up part was I didn't even know what vodka was back then. Awesome marketing campaign.

Phristless

"I ain't here to argue about his facial features
Or here to convert atheists into believers
I'm just trying to say the way school need teachers
The way Kathie Lee needed Regis that's the way I need Jesus..." - KW
I usually do not like to talk at length about word-for-word experiences in school because I think it romanticizes things and too many TFA people do it, but...

Direct Transcript from today, 5th period, about 12:05 PM with class 801.

Me: "So, the Pythagorean Theorem... what happened was this guy named Pythagoras came up with it in about 500 BC..."

(writing 500 BC on the board)

Me: "Does anyone know what 500 BC means?"

Several students: "Before Christ!!"

Me: "Good! Now..."

Zarnay: "Before Christ? But Christ is always with us!"

-
I almost lost it.

Still Here

"It's been a long time, I shouldntve left you, without a dope blog to step to, step to, step, step, step to..."



Hello. I am still here. Realizing I am truly pulling a Red Umbrella.

-Life has been good but busy busy busy. School is going well. Really well. What a difference a year makes. My kids respect me, I get things done in class, I have fun, I joke around. If this is how it is after only one year, what will it be like after 2... after 3... after 10?

I ain't taking this that far. Maybe next year, and then? Who knows... this is such a volatile time in my life. Is that even the right word to use? Whatever. It sounds right.

-I met Dave Chappelle this past weekend. Like met and talked to, not just saw. I was in DC outside of Dean & Delicious when my friend Jon and I saw him, then went up to him and talked. I, naturally, said the whitest thing possible to him: "So, you going to throw another block party?"
Maybe he'll make fun of me in his next standup special.

-I fucking hate cops. I really do. FUCK THE POLICE!!! I saw one driving and talking on his cellphone the other week. I really wanted to pull my cell phone out in front of him. Then I saw one double parked outside a Verizon store in DC... he was there for PERSONAL REASONS! AAARGHHH... I hate how they get on power trips. They wee the bullied dorks in school and then they became cops to take it out on other people. FUCK, I am getting mad writing this.. I need to stop.

-How to you contract "should not have"? Is it shouldnt've. Or should'nt've. Or should'ntve. Damn.

-I love the Yankees. Maybe even more than in '98 when I spend all of math class writing out the 25 man roster for the playoffs. Because I knew it. This team is magical. I hope they don't fuck up in the first round. Something tells me they won't. Then they'll meet Boston. Get down three games, then come back and get revenge from '04. And then history.

Michael

"She gotta light skinned friend look like Michael Jackson/
Gotta dark skinned friend look like Michael Jackson..." - KW


Posting about Britney and the VMAs made me think back to other memorable VMA performances, but for the right reason. In my mind, this performace in 1995 by the G.O.A.T., Michael Jackson, is the best. The. Best. Ever.



I need you to watch it now, in it's entirety. Go ahead. Please, click play and enjoy. And when you're done with the top vid, here is the rest of the performance.



OK, now back to the post. As you just saw he is amazing. Specifically though, I love how Slash comes on, does his thing, then doesn't leave. Ha! You see how pissed MJ was? And then, Slash started riffing to "Billie Jean." Amazing.

Speaking of "Billie Jean," how sick was it when Michael restarted the song by flipping the fedora back on his head. Kind of how Chris Brown did it in his tribute to him here: (Pardon for the Rihanna part, it was the shortest clip I could find that showed what I wanted).



And then at the end of BJ, MJ just rips it with his freestyle robot dancing. 12 years from then he is still the best.

Funny thing that Brit is criticized by lip synching. Michael lip "sunch" through his whole performance, but he was just so good. And the group dancing to "Dangerous" at the end of his VMA performance? Also amazing.

Say what you want to say about MJ being a freak or what not, but no one out there can deny that he is a musical genius. He has single-handedly shaped the RnB and Pop fields for the next generation, molding the likes of Usher, Justin and the aforementioned Chris Brown. He is like Michael Jordan but more timeless. Every new RnB or Pop singer will always be compared to Michael first. His music and dance moves will live on forever. I just wish he makes one more comeback.

Britney

"It's Britney, bitch..." - BS



We have all heard the public coronation of Britney Spear's performance on the 2007 MTV Video Music Awards as "career ending," "horrible" and "disgusting."

Well, you know what, I kind of liked it.

Obviously not at first. And probably not the second time. But during about the third or fourth time I watched it on YouTube, it began to eerily grow on me. Like a lot.

Maybe it's the song. It is pretty catchy. Produced by Danjahandz (more commonly known as Danja) who is actually Timbaland's protege. Hes helped Timbo with such hits as Justin's
"Sexy Back," "My Love," and "What Goes Around...", Nelly Furtado's "Promiscuous," and Timbo's own "Give It To Me," and "The Way I Are." He has also solely produced DJ Khalid's "We Takin Over."

Anyway, the point is Danja is really good, as is this song. But it is more than that for why I like Brit's performance.

Maybe it's the way she so averagely walks around the stage. No real movement except for dance steps circa middle school prepubescent Bar Mitsvah moves. There is something there I like (no pedorass). I just don't think its that bad. It really fits the song.

And Britney's not fat. She's not thin but she's not that fat. I mean I would've worn something else, but for the most part, she's ok. She just reminds me of girls I have hooked up with and that is not something Britney Spears is supposed to do.

Anyway, as much of a trainwreck that this performance is supposed to be, I can't give it that title. Sorry.

iPhone

"Black on the card, iPhone charged/ Queens is in the buildin, paper is involved." - TS



Last Thursday my father got me the iPhone for my birthday as an early present. Thoughts:

1) It's amazing and beautiful. Sometimes I catch myself just staring.

2) It makes me feel good knowing that it cost 200 dollars less than what Andrew Patterson paid for it.

3) It basically renders my laptop useless since I just check my email and the internet on it.

4) It will change my life. I already am working on thinking differently about things. For instance, before, when I had an idea about something, I would think about and say to myself "Man, this is good, I need to remember this!" Naturally, I would then forget and get frustrated. Now, I need to immediately pull out my iPhone when I think of something good and put it down in my Notes. This will take time.

5) It doesn't have any games. It needs games.

The Best Remixes Ever, Part III

"On that Diamonds remix, i swore i'd spaz,
Then my big brother came through and kicked my ass!" - KW


Diamonds from Sierra Leone (Remix) - Kanye West ft. Jay-Z [2005]

I remember listening to this song for the first time when I was abroad in Australia and just thinking, "Wow." Aside from the unbelievable beat, the lyrics by 'Ye are superb and the cameo from Jigga is one of his best, point blank.

Especially an a amazing song after listening to the original, the Diamonds remix starts off with a longer Shirley Bassey intro, an eerie array of twilight zonish sounds. Once Kanye comes in, everything sounds right:

"Good Morning, this ain't Vietnam still
People lose hands, legs, arms for real
Little was known of Sierra Leone
And how it connect to the diamonds we own"

I think it's safe to say most people, most rap fans, were ignorant of the situation in Sierra Leone before this song. I certainly was. For this reason I applaud Kanye for attempting to raise some sort of awareness, while at the same time admitting to a personal conflict:

"And here's the conflict
It's in a black person's soul to rock that gold
Spend ya whole life tryna get that ice
On a polo rugby it look so nice
How could somethin' so wrong make me feel so right, right?"

The next verse is amazing. What I loved was how he took part of his original verse to introduce Jay (you gotta love his adlibbing in the back while Kanye is rapping. Remember, this was when he was "retired" so having any new material from him was a rap fans orgasm. No homo):

"People askin' me is I'm gon' give my chain back (uh)
That'll be the same day I give the game back (uh)
You know the next question dog 'yo, where Dame at?'(uh)
This track the Indian dance to bring our reign back (whoo!)
'wassup wit you a Jay man, are ya'll okay man?'"

"Yep, I got it from here 'Ye, damn!"

You have to admit that this next verse from Jay is one of his best ever. Best. Ever. I was blown away when I heard it.

"H ow could you falter when you're the Rock of Gibraltar
I had to get of the boat so I could walk on water
This ain't no tall order, this is nothin to me
Difficult takes a day, impossible takes a week"

What rapper references the Rock of Gibraltar?? The next line is probably one of his most quoted.

"I do this in my sleep,
I sold Kilos of coke, (so?) I'm guessin' I can sell CD's
I'm not a businessman, I'm a business, man
Let me handle my business, damn!"

Plus, what he says about Memphis Bleek is hilarious. He basically calls him his son.

"Bleek could be one hit away his whole career
As long as I'm alive, he's a millionaire
And even if I die, he's in my will somewhere
So he can just kick back and chill somewhere, oh yeah
He don't even have to write rhymes"

And just when you think the verse should be over, he ends on a high:

"Shirley Bassey's in the rear sayin exactly
What I been sayin practically me whole carreer
The diamond is forever, I been minin' this forever
Now the Louis Vuitton Don's timin' couldn't be better
People lined up to see the Titanic sinkin'
Instead we rose from the ash like a phoenix
If you waitin' for the end of the dynasty sign
It would seem like forever is a mighty long time"

What rapper nowadays nows whose voice is being sampled? Now, although Jay's verse is not as conscious as 'Ye's, it is still sick.

Just like the song as a whole.

Crank That Soulja Boy

"Soulja Boy Off In This Hoe/Watch Me Crank It/ Watch Me Roll/Watch Me Crank Dat Soulja Boy/
Then Superman Dat Hoe..." - DW



There is a new chicken noodle soup brewing (ha!) and it is a new song by Soulja Boy. I love this dance, actually takes more skill than the aforementioned appetizer or the newer Aunt Jackie. Wanna learn? Here you go...

First Day Oranges

"Like my daddy and grandaddy on both shoulders steady chilling/ So you got to keep on living like each day is the beginning/
It's yo birthday even on your worst day/Live it like the first day..." - AB


I'm just aiming for an opposite for "First Day Blues" so don't read into the title (I googled "opposite of blue," it's the best I got)...

Today was the first day of my second year of teaching. See post below for background.

In all, it went pretty well. Not awesome, not bad, definitely room for improvement. In the morning assembly as each teacher was going down the line and introducing themselves and what subject they taught in the mic, I got a little cheer from the kids, so that felt good :)

I'll be honest, I had a lot of butterflies leading up to today. Still kind of do, but just the regulars. Coming off a year like last, I am almost crazy to keep doing this. But I am happy I am. It's not always you can learn from your mistakes and, for at least 20 of my kids from last year (the ones from last year in my classes this year), makeup for your mistakes. The major reason I was so depressed for much of last year was because I thought I was messing up the math education of my students. This year is my chance to enhance their math education.

Middle school is tough. One of the other teachers in the 8th grade, she teaches the English and Language Arts class, cried after school today during our grade team meeting. Her kids were just being assholes - walking around, constantly talking, being disrespectful, throwing papers - basically my last year. I feel bad for her. It'll be rough, these kids are not easy to win over.

But it's an amazing feeling when you do :)

New York City Public School Teacher

"I'm just trying to say the way school needs teachers..." - KW


I am a New York City public school teacher.

I am a mother fucking New York City public school teacher.

Sometimes I just have to stop and think about that because it is amazing. School starts tomorrow. 8th grade math. Year two for me with Teach For America. Last year was the hardest year of my life, full of struggle, pain, depression, glimpses of light and eventually, a good balance. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't anxious or nervous. But I am also excited. I fucking loved my kids by the end of last year; like take-a-bullet love. I have some of the same ones this year, but mostly new kids (about 60 %). I still know all by face and I've talked to all of them at one point last year, so I am at some advantage with that fact.

But damn, I am a New York City public school teacher. In the South Bronx. In middle school. Teaching math. This has to be one of the hardest jobs in the world and I chose to do it straight out of college, straight out of the safe, easy haven that private school education was. I meet rando's all the time at bars or whatever and tell them I teach and they go off on how noble it is, how much their finance jobs suck, how they wish their job was as rewarding as mine.

Well damn straight! You are on wall street. You sold your soul; you CHOSE to sell your soul. Don't' complain now! And damn straight what I do is 10 times harder, 10 times nobler, 10 times more dedicated than any echelon you can potentially rise to in the financial field.

I'm proud. I should be. This year will be incredible.

NYC Subway Memoirs

"Down the subway stairs straight through the turnstyle
No smile but I'm waitin in the station for the 7 to turn it wild..." - NW


When I'm not taking the West Side High or the F-Doctor down into the real city, I am taking the subway. And let me tell you something, I love it. I love all the diversity on the trains, I love that no one really gives a shit about anyone else and I love the fast service. Here are some of the things I am accustomed to doing/thinking about on trains.

1) Sometimes I go to the end of the platform and when I see the train pulling in I raise a hitchhikers thumb to the conductor. They always pick me up!

2) I have been prone to fall asleep on train very late in the night on weekends on my way home. The worst was one time I got on the N at Spring Street going up town at about 2 am and was meant to transfer to the C uptown at 34th. Next thing I know I wake up and I am in Astoria, Queens. I take the N back downtown; next thing I know I am waking up on 25th street... in Brooklyn! No lie! It's about 4:30 am now, so I end up getting out and taking a 45 dollar cab up to Wash. Heights. Great times.

3) One of my girl friends from high school had a bum take out his Johnson and hold it in front of her on the train. 2 different bums did this at two different times. Awesome. For some reason, they're prude with me. Go figure.

4) I hate the "LEARN ENGLISH" signs. Mainly because "LEARN ENGLISH" is the main, visible component of the sign. Doesn't anyone realize that if you don't know English you won't be able to actually read the sign??? FUCK!

5) There is a marketing campaign that says, "Last year, 1,944 New Yorkers saw something and said something." That got me thinking about the numbers. In 2005, there was a ridership of 1.45 billion. Wooooow. So what you're telling me is that last year, 0.000001 percent of those people riding in the system "saw something and said something." Should you really be marketing that awesomely low percentage?

6) I once was returning home drunk and had to wait like an hour for an uptown 1 train. I ended getting out on 181st and puking on the platform. Then I had to wait another hour.

7) I had to really go to the bathroom once so, while waiting for a downtown train, I ended up peeing into an empty Corona bottle at the end of the platform. Some guy kept trying to look and figure out what I was doing. Pervert.

Chuck Norris

"I always roam through the forest/Just like a brontosaurus, born in the month of May/
so my sign is Taurus, kick you in your face/like my fuckin name was Chuck Norris..." - TS

Pardon the obvious corniness/hilarity, but I experienced this tonight, thus I made a post.

I was at la Negrita on 109th and Columbus tonight watching the Yankees beat the Sux, as well as playing trivia. As the night wore on, who but Chuck Norris came up in conversation. What followed, naturally was a series of Chuck Norris jokes. I now share with you my favorites (my top 3?).

3) Chuck Norris doesn't read books; instead, he stares them down until he gets the information he needs.

2) Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he never cries.

1) [this one is so good!...]


Chuck Norris knows the last four digits of pi.


What are your favorites?

The Best Remixes Ever, Part II

"This is the remix/ Kells Ush & T, flossing hard in the club, we about to triple up..." - RK



Same Girl (Remix) - R. Kelly ft. T-Pain, Usher [2007]

Call me ballsy for putting a song that came out in the past two months on my Best Remixes Ever list, but I just had to.
When I first heard Same Girl (Remix)I kind of tuned out in the middle of T-Pain's verse, then I tuned out even more when Kelly was singing and I eventually turned it off before the end.

Big Mistake.

R. Kelly delivers what I believe to be his best work since the Ignition series. More on that later. T-Pain actually ripped it after I kept listening and listening. First, he inquires:

"Do she got a crib (YEP)/ By the waffle house(YEP)/
Did she show you that thing that she be doing with her mouth (MAN)"

Then he proclaims:

"She know to cock them legs back/ The greatest sex in your life (YEP)/
Yeah i know cuz she's my wife"

Wait a minute. Hold up. Dawg.
So I'll admit it, however corny it is, I like the concept of the original song. Obvious inconsistencies with the video story aside, I like the concept of this remix. T-Pain was obviously there from the start, listening in, figured out it was his wifey, then decided to join in on the convo. Beautiful.
Oh yea, and he's mad:

"I can't believe this Bitch/ I can't believe this Shit/
Everything i ever did for her i'm taking it back, i'm so thru with it/
Yeah Yeah Yeeaahh Yeah/ I took time out of my life to have these niggas fuck my wife..."

Boy, that does kind of suck. So, I keep listening. What will R. Kelly retort with? What will be his explanation?

"Hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up/ Wait a minute, wait a minute/
Just wait one god doggone minute/ You can't do the remix without putting some "R" in it ..."

Um, what?

Either I just got plunged into some meta-physical world R. Kelly has created in which his character somehow knows that some other-worldly entity has created this love triangle and is now continuing the story by providing a remix or...

He just decided mid-song that he's done with the whole we-fucked-the-same-girl concept.
Or did he? :

"She's my shawty my tenderonni/ My booty call when i'm horny/
I am Bobby this is Whitney when we getting HIIIIGGGHHH/
Spent that money played that game/ Got good brains she made it rain/
She's my limp and i'm her cane/ Shoot we talking bout the same..."

So he finished out his verse with a pun only I think I would appreciate: "So back up T or its gon' cause you some pain."
And then it seems like its all over. Oh man, no, it is so not.

He proceeds to "flip it", change up the beat, ignition style, and he totally rips it in the most hilarious, audacious, awesome type of way:

"Now can i flip it, Now can i flip it/You can flip it, You can flip it/
Snap ya fingers, Snap ya fingers, Snap ya fingers, Snap ya fingers..."
...
"Im in the club with a drink in my hand/Stunting hard looking like about a hundred grand/
Ready to spend it all/ So shawty take it off/Just call the club with jiggas and n**gas ready to ball/
Think out by the bar /Live with her in my car/
Hit it with my stunnas on like a rock star/
I know yall think im crazy/Kells gon wild B-I-ITCH/
This is just a free style..."

So now Kells is freestyling on his songs?? He seriously must be on some shit after this one. And just to make this an absolutely CLASSIC remix, he decides to imitate another genius (and alleged kid-toucher), the G.O.A.T. - Michael Jackson:

"now usually i dont do this but uh, i'ma go head on and do it
come on snap your fingers with me michael jackson style...
Snap ya fingas do ya step yo can do it all by yo self/
Snap ya fingas do ya step yo can do it all by yo self"

Amazing. 5 stars. R. Kelly, you can always "flip it" for me.

Maximum Driving Age

"Drive slow homie/ Drive slow homie/ Ya never know homie might meet some hoes homie/ Ya need to pump your brakes and drive slow homie..." - KW

Here's I look at it, in a series of interrelated points/factoids:

a) The minimum age to drive in the US is, on average about 17-18 years old.

b) Life takes the graphic form of y equals negative x-squared. For all you non-8th grade math teachers out there, that means Life is an upside down parabola.

c) Old people are slow at things.

So, without further ado, my theory:

I think... actually, I know that there should be a maximum driving age in the US. AND, I think it should be... [drum roll please]

71

Here's how I arrived at the magic number. So, I figure that you don't really become conscious of your surroundings, thoughts, ideas, life until about 11-12. It is at that point that you start thinking for yourself, developing memories that you remember on a consistent basis. That is about 7 years off of the minimum driving age. So... the maximum driving age should be seven years away from when that consciousness ceases to exist. 78 - 7 = ... 71!

Plus, who the fuck likes being stuck behind an old geezer on the road??

They Get It

"I'm not a businessman, I'm a business, man... so let me handle my business, damn..." - SC

They get it. Hip hop is a business.

Last night at Screamfest '07 at MSG, T.I. brought out Jay-Z, then Kanye, and then 50 and Diddy ended up stopping by as well. Those 5 represent probably the 5 richest, most successful hip hop acts of this century. All on stage. Together. At once.

Has our generation seen anything like this in hip hop??

Hell no. It's always been beef this, beef that. We grew up East Coast-West Coast, then Jay-Nas, then 50-everyone. But this is unprecedented.

What's great about all of this too is the 9/11 showdown between 50 and 'Ye, which just goes to show you how smart those two are. It's all business. There's no beef, they just know that if they throw some friendly competition out there, both their record sales will go up. Shit, I am probably going to buy one copy of Curtis, and two of Graduation (just to fuck 50 but I still want to listen to his).

I guess that's the catch in response to C.R. Myself's question. 50 isn't going to quit anytime soon. But that statement he made definitely is going to bring out his faithful. And Kanye realizes it and is in control in his own way, thus bringing out his faithful.

Shit... King of the South, King of NY, Keeper of the Old King of NY, Self-Proclaimed King of NY AND the King of All Egos...

Shit... 4 of the top 7 hottest MCs in the game... the top 3 Hip Hop Cash Kings according to Forbes, not to mention the 5 out of the top 12...

Shit... all at once???... you bet (watch Curtis running around the stage when Kan comes on.. hilarious).

This is exactly what hip hop has needed. You can't tell me nothin... It's business time.

Condone vs. Condemn - The John C. Paradox

"You cats keepin' it real, you cats is on yo own Cuz bein' broke and alone is something I can't condone" - MB

I was reading ESPN today, specifically the article about Mike Vick's teammates and their reactions to his plea deal, and even more specifically, I basically just watched the video of Warrick Dunn that can be found here.

'Rick on Vick: "I think overall, as a friend of Mike, it's disturbing obviously that... some of the charges that he's up against are definitely inappropriate. And myself and the other players, we condone any of that stuff... violence on animals."

::record screetch"

"And myself and the other players, we condone any of that stuff... violence on animals."

I like to call this slip of the tongue the John C. Paradox. As we all know, "condone" is the ANTO-, not SYNO-, -nym of "condemn," the word that Wa' was trying to actually say, unless of course he, and his teammates actually do "give tacit approval to" violence on animals.

This slip of the tongue originated circa 1999 in a private NYC Ivy League school of Horace Mann. As passed down originally from HM Football legends Greg G. and Brian A., as the story goes, Coach John C. went on one of his endless yelling/spitting sprees aimed at curbing the juvenile behavior of the said G. and A. The specifics of their actions have been lost in the collective memory of those who know of this story, but their result will forever be known. Coach C. would go on to repeatedly say that he and his coaching staff "condoned" immature behavior on the field. That they "condoned" their players focusing on other things other than football. Safe to say Coach C. was unfamiliar with the inner workings of a dictionary and mistook the word "condone" for the word "condemn."

As awesomely as Warick Dunn did.

My Rap Name

"Obie Trice, real name no gimmicks..." - OT

As I was driving back from DC earlier today I had a revelation. If (when) I enter the rap game, my moniker will be...

Scottie Pimpin

What do you think?

Shelley Duncan

"I'm fresh off the jet, then I breeze to the beaches/Blue Yankee fitted, G-Unit sneakers..." - CL


I am writing this post just as Shelley Duncan hits a bottom-of-the-ninth, game tying, 3-run home run at Yankee Stadium against the Orioles.

What a player.

The 2007 version of Shane Spencer, except with an added excitement, spunk and attitude, Duncan has definitely contributed greatly to this 2nd-half Yankee resurrection.

Representing some superb home-grown Yankee talent, "Slam" Duncan, just like Cano, Posada, Rivera, Cabrera, Hughes and Joba, has earned his pinstripes like no other. It's good to know that what is driving this 2007 team is not multi-million dollar contracts but AAA-prospects that finally made it.

Road Rage

"It's Road Rage, your days are numbered. What RZA put together let no man tear asunder..." - CS


I think I have road rage. I guess I know I do. More so recently. I think I average 1.3 flick-offs every time I drive. Given. Maybe more received.

The other day I was on 96th heading East waiting at the CPW light about to cross the park. In the right lane, I observed an opportunity opening up in the left, so I started merging as the light turned red. As I began my merge, I notice I have to stop short due to the red light and the car in front of me in the left lane. At this point, any driver with half a brain would see I have the spot behind the car in front of me taken. Not this van cabbie. He obviously had less than half a brain. He pulls up right next to me; mind you he has to move leftwards a bit in his lane so as not to bump me. There we are, window to window, and I am giving him the dirtiest "what the fuck!?" look ever. This pussy has his head turned left, away from me. Cut off for a shirt, asian, bluish round sunglasses. He finally turns his head to me as I mouth, pretty clearly, "w-h-a-t t-h-e f-u-c-k a-r-e y-o-u d-o-i-n-g???"

I pull up. He pulls up.

The rage is boiling.

I pull up to signal my seriousness. He pulls up more.

The rage is boiling.

I pull up even more while glaring at this loco. He pulls up even more.

Light turns green.

Skillfully, I manage to maneuver myself so that I am side by side with the car in front of me... this car starts turning left at the light as to reveal a perfect view of this cabbie, as well as my perfect window of opportunity.


As I am speeding to my victory and in to the park, I unleash a scathing, unadulterated, uncensored, 7-8 second serving of pure, raw middle finger,it's paleness shining in the sun, signaling from the bottom of my soul a resounding "Go fuck yourself you miserable piece of shit!"

As a driver, maybe even as a person, I have never felt so fulfilled as I did at that precise moment.

Flight Of The Conchourage

"I'm like me on Entourage dawg, I'm playin myself..." - BC



There is nothing quite like finishing the weekend off right with HBO. I don't know about you, but Sunday nights represent the cream of the crop in terms of cable comedy.

The slot used to belong to, what I liked to call, Soprantourage, or, what my friend Tim like to call, Entouranos. But with Tony's send off, a new, hilarious show rose to take its place and it was called Flight of the Conchords. Thus, Sunday nights were transformed into, what I like to call, Flight of the Conchourage, or, as my roommate Natalie suggested, Flentourage of the Conchords, or, as I later thought about it some more, Entouright of the Conchords, or, as I just desperately thought of now, Flight of the Entochords.

Regardless, Vince, E, Turtle, Drama and Ari provide a 24 minute jam session of amazingness that constantly makes me ask the obvious question of why is the show only 24 minutes. Then, Bret and Jemaine, or, as they say, Brit and Jemayyyne, as well as Murray, and who can forget Mel, bring me 24 more minutes of sheer laughter.

Oh, what a night.

The Best Remixes Ever, Part I

"The is the remix..." - SC

Taking a page from my friend Vinson's blog, The Red Umbrella ella ella a a a a, in which he profiles the Coolest Love Songs ever, I will be profiling the Best Remixes Ever. The Remix is a phenomenon pretty much only present in rap. Personally, I love The Remix. I just love the concept of taking an artistic piece and trying to make it better or, just enhancing it in some way. You can't really do that in other art forms (or maybe you can?). Regardless, the first song profiled is


Only You (Remix) - 112 featuring The Notorious B.I.G & Ma$e

"I thought I told you that we won't stop," proclaims Puff Daddy at the beginning of this gem. And in the nineties, Bad Boy did not stop. Releasing hit after hit after hit, this remix of "Only You" from 112's debut album in'96 heated up the charts while also featuring two of the greatest rappers of the era, The Notorious B.I.G. and up-and-comer Ma$e. Fusing sick verses with a great R 'n B hook, this song was a preview of what was to come later in rap. And the verses of the rap virtuosos were something. Biggie proclaims in a classic opener:

"Je-sus the notorious just/ Please us with your lyrical thesis,/ We just chillin,/Milk em top billin.."

And closes with an even sicker line:

"It's style is dondatta/Playas stay splurgin'/Game so tight, They call it virgin..."

Of course, in usual Puff fashion, even a verse that Big spit that same song is sampled on the chorus ("Room 112, where the playas dwell"). Unbelievable.

And just when you thought that the rappin couldn't get any better, M-A-dollar sign-E comes in:

"Now you can hum all you want to/ Cum all you want to/Money I'mma front you/ Girl I wanna flaunt you/
I'mma always want you/ When nobody want you/If I die now my love will still haunt you..."

And of course the classic lines:

"Everybody know I got more bounce than the ounce/
Bad Boy get more money than you can count/
Why I'm buying things you can't even pronounce/
I'd do it to you cat for a large amount..."

And you got to love Puff ad-libbing almost every second. Someone once said that Ma$e rapped like he had rocks in his mouth. So true. But he murders his verse. And, I think this is the only song that Biggie gets upstaged on. Pretty impressive.

I think this song is the tops of the Bad Boy era (circa 1994-1997). The is the gold standard. You have the soothing sounds of 112 mixed with the raw rap of Biggie and the cocky rap of Ma$e. Mixed in of course with classic Puff one-liners.

Beautiful.

Homophobia

"Last I heard, y'all niggaz was havin sex/ with the SAME sex /I show no love, to homo thugs/ Empty out, reloaded and throw more slugs/ How you gonna explain fuckin a man?/ Even if we squashed the beef, I ain't touchin ya hand..." - ES

Homophobia is interesting to me, especially in this day and age. It is not acceptable for it to show itself in overt form, so many people just use words such as "gay" and "fag" to describe certain people or situations (unfortunately I do not excuse myself from the "many people"). But there are certain people who just repeatedly keep using those words or cracking jokes. So it got me thinking about the reasons for homophobia.

Homosexuality represents being secure. Coming out is extremely difficult and you have to be damn confident in yourself to do this. You need to be secure in your decision and your actions. Imagine breaking the news to your conservative family... it would be grueling.

I believe homophobic people are very insecure of their own identity(ies) (mentally, emotionally, socially, sexually, etc.). Subconsciously, they resent gays because the latter are secure enough to at least be true to themselves and make a valiant attempt at happiness. There may even be jealousy involved. Homophobic people think to themselves, "what right does this freak have to be happy when I am not?"

It is sad but I think for the most part this is true. How many friends do you have that make gay jokes all the time or use those words all the time, always followed by an "I'm just kidding" at the end of it. Are they though? Or are they just showing their true colors.

Inconsolable

"I'm anti-Backstreet and Ricky Martin/with instincts to kill N'Sync, don't get me started/ These fuckin brats can't sing and Britney's garbage/What's this bitch retarded? Gimme back my sixteen dollars" - MM

The Backstreet Boys (sans Kevin) have a new single called "Inconsolable" (Listen here). I don't know about you, but I, for one, am excited. Mostly a closet BSB fan for most of my years, there is nothing like cruising down the WS Highway or the F-Doctor, with your top down, blasting "As Long As You Love Me" or "Quit Playing Games With My Heart."

Back(street)story: Recently, I was forced to drive my mom's car when I got back from PR because my Solara's battery died. In her glove compartment I discovered a CD I burned for her years ago and the name of this CD was Backstreet Boys: Chapter One- The Hits. Later that week I rediscovered my hidden love for the marvelous 90s boy band.

So, they're coming out with a new untitled album on October 30. Did they know I wanted it that way? It promises to be larger than life and even more than that. I don't have much in my account, but I promise to place the call and give all I have to give to get this CD.

Everybody, backstreet's back.

Barry Bonds And Human Nature

"Who do you believe in?
I put my faith in God, blessed and still breathin
And even though it's hard, that's who I believe in
Before I'm leavin, I'm askin the grievin - who do you believe in?" - TS


This whole Barry Bonds saga has really got me thinking about certain things. Specifically, about human nature and behavior. Weird, I know, but hear me out on this one.

It really baffles me how certain people can be on Barry's side when all the evidence in the world points to him reaching 757* unfairly. What I mean is, how can these people just blatantly ignore all the warning signs and just believe. Just believe that he did it fairly, or without performance enhancing drugs, or that he really didn't know he was using them. Then, I realized, this is the same component of human nature that leads to the belief in religion.

Faith.

There are many definitions of this word, but one that rings true in this case would be:
"Belief that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence. "

But the commentary does not stop here. It is more than faith. Almost all in baseball, players and fans, can agree that Bonds was a great player from the start of his career. Before his "alleged" steroid use, he was a two time MVP, had 480 homers, became the only member of the 400-400 club, etc. Then the abuse started. Many fans jumped off the Bondswagon, but the loyal ones in San Fran stayed on. Why?

Logical proof or material evidence would point to Barry's bigger head, biceps and shoe size as evidence for wrong doing. They would also point to super-human production from someone that age. When you hit 186 homers in your "prime" years from 30 to 35, and THEN hit 258 homers in your "wind down" years from 36-40, something has to be up!

Well, not so think those in the Ba(rr)y Area. And here is the reason beyond faith why I think why:

Those Giants fans have loved Barry for so long that they cannot go against those years. They have had the utmost faith in his abilities for close to 14 years now. Jumping off the Bondswagon now would betray their beliefs during that time and that is an extremely hard thing to do.

Just with religion that takes kids at such an early age and starts preparing them for their blind faiths, baseball took San Franciscoans and brainwashed them to put their faith into Barry. That is why now they cannot possibly hate him. They cannot possibly boo him like those fans in Anaheim did when they heard he killed Hank's record and moved to 756*. Religious people cannot possibly turn their backs on their faiths because that would mean that everything believed and were taught to believe would be a lie. And how can you reconcile living a huge part of your life under a lie. You cannot (or maybe you can but with much difficulty), or in many cases, you do not want to. Imagine how much easier it is to live your life without asking questions.

Imagine how much easier it is to live your life without asking questions.

Imagine how much easier it is to live your life without asking questions. Without questioning what you were taught, without questioning your beliefs, without questioning Barry, or Bush, or this democracy we live in, or 9/11, or JFK, or the CIA. We do this all the time. We just live. We think about what to wear, who to call, what to do at work, what not to do. We do not question, we leave that to others. But if we leave the questioning to others, when will we ever grow or become true to ourselves?

Think about it. Then ask some questions.

756*

Henry Aaron will now and always be the all-time home run champion.

He did it with dignity, integrity and class. He did it the right way and he unified the country behind him. There was no controversy. Everyone loved him. He raised the standard of the way the game was played.

He symbolized greatness. Publicly. Privately. There is no one that can challenge that.

Henry Aaron will now and always be the all-time home run champion.

Facial Profiling

"I ain't here to argue about his facial features..." - KW

You know you do it. Not even a hair of doubt in my mind about that. It's called facial profiling and it is one of the main components of social evolution or social Darwinism. Call it survival of the facially fittest. Basically, it entails you giving, subconsciously or not, a social edge or lack thereof to a complete stranger based solely on their facial appearance. Peep the scenarios:

i. You are sitting on a plane with an empty seat to your left. Of course, you have that minute anticipation towards seeing who you will be sitting next to. Will s/he be cute? Will s/he be annoying? Will s/he not stop talking? You finally have someone come to your row, ask to get pass you.. you look up, and, inevitably, you facially profile...

ii. You are at a bar with your friends. Having fun, enjoying the drinks/music. A stranger comes up to you, most likely to make a more than friendly attempt for your time later on in the evening. You turn to them and, inevitably, you facially profile...

iii. You are at the gym, running on the treadmill. Sweating up a storm, you finish up your run with a satisfied sense of accomplishment. You reach down for you towel, but find it missing. You turn around to find a fellow patron of the gymnasium with it. As they are handing it over, inevitably, you facially profile...

Facial profiling is not stereotyping. Correction, it may be. But it is a much more personal expression of closely-held views. It occurs the moment you lock eyes with the victim, and it only lasts a second or two. You register the image, profile it completely, and move ahead with your actions. You may not realize you are doing it, but you are.

Is it a bad thing? Depends on your view of the world. Facial profiling is an affliction that affects all; only the blind are lucky enough to escape it. Facial profiling forces the infected to make grand and, usually misguided, judgments on their victims from an extremely brief image registration. Basically, you judge, jury and execute the shit out of people because of what they look like.

And you DO do it.

Severe cases of facial profiling leave remnants of denial in the infected. These "good" and "unbiased" people claim to never "judge books by their covers" or "be that shallow." Goodness, no! What these people fail to realize is that facial profiling takes different forms. Ignoring people, or just choosing not to acknowledge them is the most common, and, the most unrecognizable form of facial profiling out there. It occurs when people facially profile someone and decide that their being isn't worth acknowledging by a welcoming smile, a hello, or by even an extra glance.

After 22 and three-fourths years of empirical evidence, I have come to realize that I am a facial profiler.

And you are too.

Thanks, You Too!

"Isn't this great, my flight leaves at eight her flight lands at nine, my game just rewinds." - CW


I never really got this line by the late-great black Frank White (on the topic, who the hell was the white Frank White anyway??). If his flight leaved at 8 PM and hers got in at 9 PM, wouldn't he miss spitting game at the aforementioned lady? Anyway.. it brings me to the scene of countless of douche bag moments brought on by habit: airports.

I like airports. There is a sense of excitement in the air because you are about to be going somewhere. It is like social purgatory. Everyone is on the move, or waiting to be. What I despise about airports is the mini-conversation I ALWAYS end up having with the workers there, and it goes a little something like this:

worker: "Have a great flight!"

me: "Thanks, you too!"

...

Of course, as you can see, that makes no fucking sense. The workers aren't flying anywhere, they are staying put. Thus, my saying "Thanks, you too!" makes me sound like a complete douche. Safe to say, I am sure many of you have experience this annoying feeling. Not to mention the awkward stuttering that occurs immediately after the said phrase:

me: "Uh.. I m.. I mean.. thanks. You're not flying, are you! Heh, heh. Have a goo.. have a good day."

worker: (awkward gander slash slow turn and/or walk away)

This always occurs. Usually when they check my bag or take my boarding pass. And I always try to stand there several seconds longer than needed to explain myself. It's just habit: when someone says anything starting with "Have a great/good ________," you always, without reserve say, "Thanks, you too!"

Not in airports, though.