NYC Subway Memoirs

"Down the subway stairs straight through the turnstyle
No smile but I'm waitin in the station for the 7 to turn it wild..." - NW


When I'm not taking the West Side High or the F-Doctor down into the real city, I am taking the subway. And let me tell you something, I love it. I love all the diversity on the trains, I love that no one really gives a shit about anyone else and I love the fast service. Here are some of the things I am accustomed to doing/thinking about on trains.

1) Sometimes I go to the end of the platform and when I see the train pulling in I raise a hitchhikers thumb to the conductor. They always pick me up!

2) I have been prone to fall asleep on train very late in the night on weekends on my way home. The worst was one time I got on the N at Spring Street going up town at about 2 am and was meant to transfer to the C uptown at 34th. Next thing I know I wake up and I am in Astoria, Queens. I take the N back downtown; next thing I know I am waking up on 25th street... in Brooklyn! No lie! It's about 4:30 am now, so I end up getting out and taking a 45 dollar cab up to Wash. Heights. Great times.

3) One of my girl friends from high school had a bum take out his Johnson and hold it in front of her on the train. 2 different bums did this at two different times. Awesome. For some reason, they're prude with me. Go figure.

4) I hate the "LEARN ENGLISH" signs. Mainly because "LEARN ENGLISH" is the main, visible component of the sign. Doesn't anyone realize that if you don't know English you won't be able to actually read the sign??? FUCK!

5) There is a marketing campaign that says, "Last year, 1,944 New Yorkers saw something and said something." That got me thinking about the numbers. In 2005, there was a ridership of 1.45 billion. Wooooow. So what you're telling me is that last year, 0.000001 percent of those people riding in the system "saw something and said something." Should you really be marketing that awesomely low percentage?

6) I once was returning home drunk and had to wait like an hour for an uptown 1 train. I ended getting out on 181st and puking on the platform. Then I had to wait another hour.

7) I had to really go to the bathroom once so, while waiting for a downtown train, I ended up peeing into an empty Corona bottle at the end of the platform. Some guy kept trying to look and figure out what I was doing. Pervert.