Thursday, April 30, 2009

Controlled Road Rage



You may think this post is about me keeping my road rage in control. Quite the opposite - I have really learned how to successfully control the output of my rage in such a way that my words come out clearly and stutter-free. I used to get so mad that I would mutter some Russian-accent shit that no one understood that made me even more mad! Or I would think of something way too late and miss the perfect opportunity for the rethwart (pun).

Not anymore!

I have had a sick streak recently of totally laying into the opposition. 

Exsickbit A:  Stuck behind a van at a red light. The light turned green and the van wasn't moving. I start honking; do not stop until the van moves (a good 10 straight seconds of honk). When finished I hear someone say "Shut up!" and think its  from an apt window. Light is red again. Some blond shaggy haired woman emerges on the sidewalk and says "YouShut up!" I roll down my window as she says "So fucking rude!" Walks away. I say, "MIND YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS! NO ONE WAS FUCKING TALKING TO YOU!" I see her bright blue umbrella stop, then she walks back and starts saying something that I totally interrupt and say "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" As she walks away and the light turns green, I go around the van and honk more when I pass her.

Exsickbit B:  On way to work. Coming out of underpass stop for red light behind some cars. Look left. Some bum-ass old guy is positioning himself to piss on the wall of the underpass, third of a way up the staircase. I am dumbfounded and I get pissed. As he stops and walks away and I start driving, I roll down window and in clear concise American English: "FIND A BATHROOM!"

Exsickbit c:  Way back from dinner, about to go on Damn Macombs Bridge (pun). Traffic cops out to regulate bc end of Yankees game. I am first at red light. Looking at my phone. Look up, light is already green and traffic cop is belligerently waving his hands for me to go. Then makes some mocking hand movements as if he's holding the wheel and doesn't know what to do (making fun of me) as I am approaching him he is muttering some F-words. Without missing a single beat, I say turning to him- "FUCK OFF!!"

6 comments:

getlowe said...

That last example was totally your fault. Loved the first one, though. I always hate when I think of the PERFECT thing to say in response to something like 10 minutes after it happens.

José said...

You're on a rampage, like a rent-a-cop.

Why are you bragging about this?

You would have been a perfect hall monitor in high school had we had them.

getlowe said...

Bad news for you:

http://www.slate.com/id/2217429/

Natalie said...

DAT i made the mistake of reading this at work.

I am in tears.

I still don't get the maccombs pun (and i think that it was first used on our housewarming invitation).

Miz said...

it took you 25 years to learn how to use the F word?

Miz said...

the first one is funny tho. Like, really funny.